Australia Day: "Meatheads Unite!"

Attention fellow Australians....

After a long wait, the 26th of January is nearly upon us again - which means 2 things: a public holiday, and a duty for us to be LOUD & PROUD about the greatest nation on earth: Aussie!!!

Time to dig out your singlets, don your very best Aussie thongs and gather with your mates to celebrate in true Aussie style. Make sure you're well stocked with VB and that the first tinny is cracked well before 10am - after all, there's only so many hours of celebrating to cram into the day, right?

Aussie thongs: Classy

If you need to drive anywhere on Australia Day, there's some rules you need to follow. Firstly, it is mandatory for you to grind out a big burnout as you pull out of your driveway. If you're a perfectionist like me, you'll want to  check which way the wind is blowing first and position the car accordingly to maximize the amount of tyre smoke that drifts over your neighbour's property. Don't worry about any repercussions - this is Australia Day and you're an Australian. This is your right!
Secondly, if you already have 4 of those cheap Aussie flags perched on top of each passenger window, challenge yourself to be "more Australian" and try to get a big flag on there somewhere. Be creative: drape it over the bonnet or across the back window, or even hang it off the tow-ball so it can skim along the road in your car's wake. Again, don't worry about minor concerns such as your personal safety or the safety of fellow road users - the important thing is to show the world where you're from. And finally, it's un-Australian for your windows to be up on this special "Day of Days": all 4 windows need to be down so that pedestrians and other road users can hear "Chisel's Greatest Hits" blasting out across the urban landscape. Ignore the funny looks from these people - this day is about YOU. Don't let them get you down. If you feel their disapproving glances are crossing the line just hurl abuse at them from your moving car. It's your birthright!

The Southern Cross Tattoo: Unique

After an afternoon of heavy drinking and loud Aussie music, make your way down to the Perth foreshore as belligerently as possible. If no bins are provided for your convenience along the way, simply toss your empties into a nearby garden. Make sure you and your mates are still wearing your singlets, as you will need to show off your new Southern Cross tattoos. These tattoos serve a dual purpose: firstly they let everyone know that you are acutely aware of one of the major constellations in the Milky Way, and secondly if you get separated from your group in the swarming masses you can just look for the group of guys with the Southern Cross tattoos and all will be sweet.  Easy, aye?
One other important point to remember: do NOT wear deodorant. This point cannot be stressed too severely, people. It is essential that you leave that cloud of BO in your wake as you move through the crowds on the foreshore. If your traveling in packs and at least one of you is wearing deodorant, then your potency is diminished. Like a feline that marks it territory, its important that you let everyone know where you've been.

Available where all good crap is sold

Australia Day is also a day of "accessorizing".  Make sure you stock up at your local Red Dot with all the accessories that will mark you out as a true Australian. I'm talking about the Aussie Green & Gold Mohawk, the Aussie Flag tote bag, and a fistful of Aussie Flag hand wavers. Ignore the fact they are all made in Chinese sweatshops. The Chinese know how awesome we are, and this is their way of paying their respects to us on our special day.
There is also one item that has become a bit of a perennial favourite: the Australian Flag Cape. Worn by only the "most Australian" amongst us, the Aussie Flag cape, if used properly, should be beer-soaked and smelling like your singlet by the end of the day. Never mind the fact that the Aussie flag is a sacred symbol to many other citizens, and the fact that our forefathers fought for our freedoms under this symbol - these are merely petty truths standing in the way of you having a great time. So continue clowning along and desecrating the National symbol with your mates on your special day - remember its a free country!

Unfortunately whilst at the Perth Skyshow there are a few obstacles that often crop up that threaten to dampen your Australia Day experience. Drinking zones are there to be ignored. Get as tanked as possible and then move away from said zones to mingle with other revelers. There's nothing worse than staggering around trying to avoid families on picnic blankets enjoying the evening in each other's company. Worse still is when some older guy has the audacity to ask you to watch your language around his children. It's best to ignore these people, however if they are persistent, there's nothing more Australian than starting a fight. But be sure to get your mates first so they can help kick the guy into unconsciousness while he's on the ground.

When the fireworks finally kick off, crank your radios to 11 and sing along to the veritable barrage of back-to-back classics: The Oils' "Beds Are Burning",  Icehouse's "Great Southern Land", Yothu Yindi's "Treaty", Men at Work's "Down Under" and even a bit of "Imagine", as you and your mates hold your mobile phones aloft to Kings Park, lost in the ecstasy of the moment.

After a short half hour it all suddenly ends - time to finish the VB's and commence the long stagger home. Tomorrow it's back to normal. The "most Australian" amongst us will leave those plastic flags on our cars for an extra few weeks to help keep the dream alive - the rest of us will just quietly cross off the days on our calendars until we can do it all again on 26th January, 2012.