Unleash Your Inner Bon Jovi

Jon Bon: Loves a good blow wave

I was watching MTV on Foxtel the other night - one of those 80's flashback specials they frequently trot out - when without warning I was assaulted by visions of guys with big hair wearing tacky jackets with comically over-sized shoulder pads. I thought I'd accidentally flipped over to the Comedy Channel without realizing, but no. It was just the music video to Bon Jovi's 1986 smash hit, "Livin' On A Prayer".
I had a bit of a chuckle watching as Jon Bon Jovi hammed it up onstage in the clip - twirling mic stands and performing over-the-top acrobatics that failed to dislodge his man-scarf - when suddenly I had a horrible realization. It's now 2011 - and Hair Metal is due back.
Those who have been around long enough know that when it comes to popular music everything is cyclical. Musical styles emerge and recede and emerge again roughly every 10 to 15 years. There are heaps of examples.

"Whoa, we're half-way there". Stop! Turn back!!!

Take the Punk Rock phenomena from the mid-to-late 70's. It came back as Grunge and other derivative forms in the late 80's/early 90's: basically the same ethos & DIY attitude, but repackaged and marketed for the masses. New Wave in the late 70's/early 80's came back as the Alternative/Indie rock boom in the 90's. And now we seem to be going through the whole New Romantic phase from the early to mid-1980's again: basically guys with dyed hair in gothic make-up playing synth-driven electro-pop songs.
What makes me so sure that Hair Metal is coming back soon is the fact that it has already come back once. First there was Glam Rock in the early 70's. Bands like the New York Dolls started appearing on the scene playing standard rock, but they had big hair and wore make-up. KISS were in the same boat: more standard rock, but with bigger hair and more make-up. The clothing and stage shows of these bands had to be suitably outrageous for them to attract attention in an already over-crowed rock market. So they got flashy. They developed flair. And Glam was cool until it was displaced by Disco & Punk in the late 70's. But the seeds for the 80's Hair Metal explosion had already been sown...

The New York Dolls (1973): Dudes in lippy

 I started hearing names such as Def Leppard, Twisted Sister and Motley Crue in the mid-80's. Somewhere around that time I also first heard the words "Bon Jovi", which to me sounded like something one might accidentally tread in at a local dog beach. It wasn't until later that I discovered that Bon Jovi were just the aural equivalent of something you may tread in at your local dog beach. The re-emergence of this new wave of Glam Metal (or Hair Metal) coincided with the birth of MTV in the early 80's, so now we all got to see what these bands looked like. And (surprise, surprise) most of them looked like the New York Dolls. Big Hair was back, baby. The scene exploded again and more bands jumped on the Hair Metal bandwagon. Poison, Warrant, Guns N' Roses, Skid Row & Ratt were the big name bands which ruled the late-80's scene. Excessive make-up usage was rampant and a gratuitous display of poor fashion sense pervaded the scene. The days of taste and restraint were dead & buried. The Hair Metal bands embarked on a shameful display of ego, decadence and excess, milking it for all it was worth before it all came crashing down in the early 90's. Many of the guilty parties then disappeared into the ether or their nearest rehab clinic to dry out.
So now I feel it is my duty to do the right thing and prepare you all for the "third coming" of Hair Metal. It's time to ask yourself: "What would Jon Bon Jovi do?". Well, to assist you I have compiled the following list. Ignore it at your own peril.

The 10 Essential things you need to do to prepare for the return of Hair Metal

Axl Rose's bandana: Stanky...

1. Buy a Bandana
Any Hair-Metalhead worth his weight in coke needs to own at least one bandana. And not just any bandana: it is crucial that it is loud and tasteless. Axl Rose didn't get to where he was by wearing any plain old bandana. It needs to scream to the world "Look at me! I'm bad-ass" - and plain just doesn't cut it.
Paisley is popular. So too is the "flag bandana". Millions of Americans can't be wrong: what is more patriotic that wrapping the nation's sacred emblem around your forehead and belting out "Sweet Child O'Mine"?
One word of advice here: no matter how sweaty and stained it gets, never wash it. If you're serious about your dedication to the genre you need to keep that stank on there so you can be distinguished from the casual Hair Metal fans in a large crowd.

Jon Bon Jovi: Snow Leopard Public Enemy #1

2. Find a Man-Scarf
Before it became the essential "must have" fashion accessory for the 21st century metrosexual male, the man-scarf was a popular adornment for those exponents of Hair Metal who strove for sartorial elegance.
While the metro male prefers the neat-&-knotted look, the exact opposite applies in the world of Hair Metal. It must be long & flowing, and preferably with an African fauna inspired print. Zebra or leopard spot patterning is extremely popular. Tassles at the ends are optional - the decision to "tassle or not to tassle" is at the discretion of the wearer. Have fun trying different patterns & colour schemes. Mix & match as much as you want, but don't mess with the Golden Rule of the Hair Metal man-scarf: "Length matters" (..cough..).

Remember Winger? Didn't think so. "Spiral Perms For All"

3. Get A Perm
That's right - get a perm. Even better, get a spiral perm. Nothing screams Hair Metal authenticity better than a light ginger spiral perm. If you're not a natural redhead then get it coloured. Don't cut corners. Your integrity is at stake and everyone is watching. Don't end up like that creepy looking dude from Nickelback or Michael Bolton - there's a big difference between a curly mullet (or "crullet") and a sensational spiral perm.

"Do these pants make my hips look big?"

4. Invest in a Blow Dryer
The "bad hair day" is the only known natural enemy of Hair Metal, so it makes sense to plan ahead and mitigate potential risk. Buy a blow dryer - and don't scimp on the expense. If you're going to spend hundreds of your hard-earned dollars on a blow wave, perm or spiral perm at a salon then you also need the tools at your disposal to keep it looking fabulous 24/7. You never know when that sudden change in weather will come and wreak it's havoc on your perfectly sculpted coiffure, so plan ahead. The blow dryer should be with you at all times, and preferably in its own carry case so casual observers will know you're not messing about.

"Ye Gods! My freakin' eyes!!"

5. Procure some Spandex
Spandex, Lycra, bike pants - whatever, it's all the same thing. As long as it's stretchy and looks like it was sprayed on. Just make sure it doesn't leave absolutely zero to the imagination. Serial offender Axl Rose changed the way we felt about cyclists forever with his on-stage get-up - but he was a man committed to the cause. With no shame whatsoever.
Get in early and stock up on spandex now because prices are set to go through the roof once Hair Metal "Phase 3" hits us. When it comes to colours, the most sought after will be the old favourites such as hot-pink, leopard skin and anything remotely zebra-looking. My hot tip? Turquoise. I think turquoise will be the new hot-pink. Either way, choose your colours wisely.
Bonus tip: If you don't get in early enough and end up having to fork out a bit extra to get the pants you're really after, fear not - most spandex garments come in handy when choosing an appropriate Halloween costume, so it's win-win.

"I said acid-wash - not washed out on acid!"

6. Acid-wash your denim
Denim is very "rock & roll". Denim is also timeless. Acid-washed denim, however, is a quintessential cornerstone of Hair Metal and, if we're talking specifically about jeans, they need to be a few sizes too small so that you have to be poured into them.
If you don't have any acid wash jeans in your closet, then just do it yourself and turn your old jeans into the latest (recycled) fashion trend. Impress your friends with your initiative. Just go online and Google "How to Acid Wash" and away you go. There's heaps of tips & pointers on how to get the best results. And for those who are really daring: try the acid wash denim vest. Don't buy one, make your own. Tear the sleeves off a standard denim jacket - you need that frayed look for it to look genuine anyway. Just remember one thing: don't wear white denim. Unless of course you don't mind persistent questions about your "orientation".

Derek Smalls: "No, it's a cucumber. Your Honour."

7. Package your "smallgoods" appropriately
Ladies, please skip this section. This is some sage advice for the guys out there...
With all this talk of spandex pants and tight-fitting jeans, we need to discuss the delicate subject of how to deal with the inevitable man-bulge. There's a few schools of thought on the subject: at one extreme is the "modest approach", where a man-scarf or instrument such as a guitar can be used as a "prop" to cover the offending area during performances and photo shoots. At the other end of the extreme is the "Axl-Rose-in-bike-pants-no-holds-barred approach" - which is guaranteed to not win you many fans, regardless of whether the area in question has or hasn't been augmented by a pair of cleverly folded gym socks. Somewhere in between is the "Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap approach", where a foreign object such as a cucumber wrapped in tinfoil is always within arms reach to use whenever the situation dictates. Guys, the decision is in your hands. May you choose wisely.
One guy who didn't choose wisely and got it horribly wrong was Joe Elliott, lead singer of British band Def Leppard. My mate Benno stumbled across the music video to Def Leppard's massive 1987 hit "Pour Some Sugar On Me" on Classic MTV recently, and hasn't been the same since. Check it out: 15 seconds in and it's on for young and old. If you can make it past the first minute-and-a-half without attempting to gouge your own eyes out then brace yourself for the 1:57 to 2:03 mark. If that's not his car keys in his right pocket then I'm taking my bat and going home.

WARNING: FREQUENT & GRATUITOUS MAN-BULGE. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED.

Poison: Power-dressed to impress

8. Pimp your Jacket
Everything about Hair Metal is about being "larger than life". What matters is having the biggest hair, the most make-up, the flashiest clothes - the list goes on. In the tradition of amplifying your physical characteristics, get some shoulder pads under your favourite loud jacket. The bigger the shoulders the better. Every Hair-Metalhead wants a commanding physical presence, and shoulder pads are a cheap, no-fuss, essential tool of the trade. If you're on a budget then use cardboard inserts. A few cricket boxes in the off-season can also prove invaluable. Pack them right in there and thrust your chest out. Turn your standard-issue, off-the-rack Hair Metal jacket into a customized, pimped out, cotton suit of armour.

T.Rex's Marc Bolan & Slash: Top Hat troubadours

9. Try a Top Hat
T.Rex were one of the original Glam Rock bands in the early 70's, and lead singer Marc Bolan was frequently spotted sporting a top hat over the obligatory big hairstyle. Fast-forward fifteen years and Guns N' Roses axeman Slash picked up the torch, so to speak, and in the process made his silhouette one of the most recognizable in Hair Metal history. Even today he's still rarely sighted without it. Of course the top hat won't be for everyone, but you'll never know if it's for you or not until you try it. No other accessory authenticates one as a member of the Hair Metal aristocracy more effectively than the top hat. Except maybe a monocle, but I can't see that one catching on...

Poison's Bret Michaels: Poutylicious...

10. Practice your Pout
When it comes to Hair Metal, posing comes naturally. It goes with the territory. Performers and fans alike have an in-built "poseur gene", which is often triggered by visual stimuli such as the sight of a stray jar of lip-gloss, or a sleeping leopard in the cat enclosure at the city zoo. But when you're in a group full of posers what do you do to stand out in the crowd? The answer is simple: your pout needs to be your competitive advantage.
Get those lips as big and full as you can. Learn to apply your lippy like a professional. And for the girls: same rules apply.
Too many thin-lipped wannabe's come and go in this genre. If you want to make your mark on the scene then gloss those lips up to the point that you start blinding people with reflected light. If you're lacking in natural lip fullness then it's worth either looking at surgical enhancement or praying to a deity (ie: Mick Jagger) for divine intervention.
However you choose to approach it, your pout needs to communicate the following: "I'm sensitive, yet mysterious, and deeper than a thousand oceans", as opposed to "Mum & Dad won't let me take the car out this weekend". The difference is subtle, but critical.

Poison, Open Up And Say... Ahh! (1988). Definitive.

Well, there you have it. I'm sure that we've covered the important basics here to get you ready for the impending return of Hair Metal. The list is by no means definitive, but it should at least help you on your way.
One final piece of advice: it's probably prudent to do some musical research too, and to assist I've narrowed it down to one "Essential Hair Metal album" that you need to study in preparation - Posion's 1988 masterpiece Open Up and Say .. Ahh!. It has all the elements that define the genre. Remember the rocking "Nothin' But a Good Time" and "Your Mama Don't Dance"? This is Hair Metal heaven. And it also features "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - the biggest, most transcendent power-ballad ever written. If Hair Metalheads had their own country then this would be their National Anthem. So blow wave your hair, apply some lip-gloss, don the bandana, close your eyes, lift a lighter to heaven and sway slowly from side to side as you immerse yourself in the moment. It doesn't get any better than this.

Inside of all of us there is that inner Bon Jovi that needs to be tenderly nurtured, frequently pampered and then released upon society at large when the time is right. And that time is nearly upon us. My advice is to embrace it: holster your blow dryer after use and get out there and be the best damn walking advertisement for spandex you can be.

Welcome To My Childhood Nightmares

Alice Cooper: Master of the Macabre

Back in my salad days, in the early 1980's, it was tough for parents to keep their 6 year old kids indoors. Of course this was well before the home computer revolution kicked in and changed the concept of "recreational activity" forever, but back then it was the norm for young kids to get outside with toy guns and stage mock wars, build tree houses and maybe even organize a one-day international cricket match with the rest of the kids in the street. This is what the normal kids did. But not me.
Being the pasty indoors type I was (and try to kid myself I am no longer) I preferred to spend my time indoors surrounded by books, assorted comics and a limited supply of Star Wars figures. Sure, I may have even dabbled in He-Man figures too, but there was one other source of entertainment in the house that used to hold my attention for endless hours during those formative years: my parents big stack of vinyl records.
I was lucky that my parents were of an age that meant that this stack wasn't filled with cheesy Perry Como or Pat Boone records - on the contrary, I was blessed with a bounty that included a mixture of classic rock, progressive rock, pop & new-wave albums - a veritable smorgasbord of wax from the years spanning 1967 to 1983: the Golden Age of Popular Music.
I used to spend hours sitting quietly looking at the albums, reading the liner notes, examining the artwork in the gate-fold sleeves and having a listen to the ones that I thought would be worth the effort, and it was here that my lifelong interest in music was nurtured. However amongst this stack were some images that were bound to leave an impression on an inquisitive 6 year old with an overactive imagination, and now over 25 years later I can finally bring myself to confront these disturbing images of the past which bore their way into my sub-conscious and made me wake up during the night on more than one occasion in a cold sweat...

Alice Cooper,  Killer (1971). Slithery...

There was this one big, red-looking album in the pile which I always approached with caution. It was called Killer and it was by a creepy-looking dude called Alice Cooper. And it also had a picture of a big freaking snake's head on the cover. It used to give me the shivers, yet I couldn't turn away. Everything about this album cover seemed to scream out "Danger!" (I guess the redness should have tipped me off, right?). I remember thinking to myself "Who would do this??". I couldn't understand what would possess someone to put such a horrific image on the front cover of their album. Didn't they want us to listen to it??  And this was in the days before CD's remember, so it was a BIG snake's head on that 12" album sleeve. To top it off, there was also a track on there called "Dead Babies"!! What manner of evil was this anyway?!? It got into my 6 year old brain. I used to peel back the sheets in my bed every night before hopping in - just checking to make sure that there were no serpents with slithery tongues lying in wait, silently plotting my demise. I later discovered that this Alice Cooper character liked to wear a hangman's noose and was known to decapitate live chickens on stage. My young brain also worked out that songs like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Welcome To My Nightmare" weren't just clever titles - they were warnings. If anyone could order a reptilian hit on me in my own bed it was Alice Cooper. So I kept checking the bed.....

Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath (1970). Ghoulish...

There was another album cover that used to flash across my mind as I lay in bed, eyes closed, trying not to think about snakes - and it was called Black Sabbath. I didn't know what a sabbath was but that seemed irrelevant. I was much more interested in trying to work or who (or what) that was, standing in what looked like a church graveyard, silently looking back at me with those hollow black eyes. It looked like a woman but I couldn't be sure. Was it living? A ghost? What did it want?? This one genuinely gave me the creeps. Like the Mona Lisa the eyes seemed to follow you around the room no matter where you stood. I would even leave the room and close my eyes and BAM! - there it was again right back with me. I saw this apparition night after night in every shadowy recess of my bedroom for months. Something had to be done, so in an attempt to regain my sanity and neutralize the effects of this image I decided to put the album on and have a listen. Maybe it was full of bright happy songs that I could sing along to? Maybe the creature on the cover was the singer who actually sung in a nice sweet voice? WRONG! The first song was called "Black Sabbath" and it opened with the foreboding sounds of pounding rain, thunder and the tolling of a funeral bell, before a doom-laden three note guitar riff literally exploded out of the speakers.
I yanked it straight off the turntable and into the nearest drawer before collapsing into the foetal position.


KISS, Dressed To Kill (1975). Sinister..

Speaking of foetal positions, I had an uncle who used to be a big KISS fan. On a particular visit to his house as a kid I was unfortunate enough to be quietly minding my own business, when out of the blue he suddenly sprang out from behind a nearby wall wearing a full rubber Gene Simmons mask (with a long blood-red rubber tongue) and screamed loudly in my face. At least that's what they told me he did later, after I was revived and helped up off the floor from said position. It's hard to maintain your dignity  when you're frantically trying to cover a damp wet stain slowly spreading across the crotch of your pants. It's for this reason that I approached every KISS album with a certain degree of caution from that point on. But to be honest none of them really bothered me as a kid too much - except the Dressed To Kill cover. KISS didn't seem threatening when they were in their glam-rock stage outfits - but there was something extremely sinister about them in suits standing on a street corner. Especially Gene. The evil look on his face on that cover is another image that stayed with me after dark. I assumed that every noise I heard outside during the night was Gene coming to "get" me, so I did what any desperate kid would do in that situation - I prayed to Ace for deliverance.


Skyhooks, Ego Is Not A Dirty Word, 1975

Terror wasn't the only undesirable feeling I experienced while going through the record stack - some images caused slight nausea. There's the severed finger from an over-zealous female fan on the back cover of Skyhooks' Ego Is Not A Dirty Word album. Even though it's animated its still has a gross kind of detail. I also realized that some images are capable of causing that unique gut-nausea that one only experiences when looking at something too appalling to describe adequately. Lionel Ritchie on the cover of his Can't Slow Down album is a classic example. It's not only those snappy white pants & matching shoes that had me reaching for a bucket - it was that shocking 80's mo' and that smug look on his face, which seemed to be taunting me: "Hey kid, I wrote "All Night Long (All Night)" - what have you done with your life??". Damn you, Lionel - damn you and your finely crafted pop songs to hell!!

Lionel Ritchie, Can't Slow Down (1983). Horrific...

 As a wise Beatle once said, all things must pass, and as I grew up I started to outgrow the childish reactions I had to these album covers as a 6 year old. Slowly but surely I began to regain my confidence - even managing to get outside with my mates to kick the footy around once in a while. I eventually became a relatively well-balanced primary school aged boy. All was well until one day in 1990 when I caught a glimpse of Vanilla Ice on the cover of To The Extreme.

It was about then that The Fear returned.

"The horror..... the.. horror.....".



"Aww yeah... VIP in full effect"

"Record Companies are the DEVIL!!!"

The King of Limbs (2011) - The sounds of a new decade

Like thousands of other people around the world at roughly the same time, I sat down at my computer in the early hours of Saturday February 19th and commenced downloading my very own pre-ordered "copy" of Radiohead's latest offering, The King of Limbs, unable to keep my left eyelid from twitching with excitement.

For those in the know, the release of a new Radiohead album is a major event, and yet again they have delivered: a post-rock masterwork of complex beauty that had my ears doing the Lindy Hop as each digitally-encoded bit coursed through my headset. Bliss indeed.
But the events surrounding the release of the album, and the way it was released, have been the big talking point in the music industry this week....

Jethro Tull's Thick As A Brick (1972)

It all started last Monday week - 14th February, Valentine's Day - with a post on Radiohead's website (plus Facebook & Twitter) saying simply "Thanks for waiting", with a link to a website advising of the new album and a registration page for pre-orders. The biggest surprise however was the fact that the album was to be released only 5 days later in mp3 or WAV format (at a price of 6 or 9 pounds respectively) - followed by a special "newspaper" format with vinyl, CD and artwork packed in an "oxo-degradable plastic package" to be released in early March.

I overlooked the website's statement that this was to be the "World's first Newspaper Album" (as Jethro Tull beat them to the punch with Thick As A Brick way back in 1972) but, petty facts aside, I quickly realized that stumbling across this news was to be the only example of me "getting lucky" this Valentine's Day (that's right folks).

The news of the release literally came out of the blue. Normally there is a media release accompanied by full page adverts in the music press when one of the world's biggest bands is about to unleash a new album. So what gives? Well, the answer lies in the fact that Radiohead are no longer bound to a major record deal - and thus no contract exists for them to do ....anything.  The band gave their old record label EMI the flick after completing their 6 record contact in 2003, declaring the record company structure a "decaying business model" and set about independently releasing their music in a variety of formats. The final straw between Radiohead & EMI reportedly came when the record company was deducting "packaging costs" from royalties of online digital downloads - a medium which obviously has no physical packaging overheads.
Radiohead's last studio album, In Rainbows, was released in 2007 online via a "pay what you think its worth" honour system. As an experiment it generated a lot of media attention however no one other than the band really knows how much money they made from the exercise, mainly because it wasn't anyone else's business: there were no greedy record execs to fatten-up, nor any anxious shareholders to report to.
So here we are over 3 years later with the next installment - and the only bit of promotion accompanying the release of The King Of Limbs is a stylish black & white video released on the band's website of the first single "Lotus Flower", featuring some awkward dance moves from lead singer Thom Yorke that make Napoleon Dynamite look like the undisputed Michael Jackson of his generation:

It's no secret that the world has changed when it comes to making and distributing music these days, with sites such as MySpace, YouTube and Facebook making it easy to get one's world-changing masterpiece out to the masses at the push of a button - all from the comfort of one's own home. And some of the popular names in music are opting for free-agency, away from the rules & regulations of the big bad record companies.

NIN: The Slip (2008): Given away for free

An example is the outspoken Trent Reznor from industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails - who gave away their 2008 album The Slip as a free download on the band's website.
Reznor had been signed to Interscope Records and was publicly critical of the parent company, Universal Music Group - specifically with their pricing & distribution plans for the Nine Inch Nails 2007 album Year Zero. He claimed they were ripping off music fans (charging "absurd" prices for copies of the album) and encouraged punters at Nine Inch Nails concerts to "steal as much music as you can" - comments which received a lot of media attention and drew criticism from within some factions of the music industry.
As CD sales across the industry continue to plummet year after year, more and more musicians and music fans are exploring the options available to them in the digital world, while the record companies scratch away furiously in the background - desperately trying not to look like rodents going down with the proverbial sinking ship. It's not that relations between artists and record companies were always historically harmonious before the advent of the digital age: its just that there are more options available to make and distribute music these days. Back in the good old days, artists & bands really had to get creative to give the record company "the big middle finger".

Trans (1982): Cheesier than a Quarter Pounder

Perhaps my favourite example of the "artist vs. label" battle comes in the form of Neil Young and his tenure in the early 80's signed to Geffen Records. After becoming a popular million-selling folk/country-rock artist in the 1970's, Neil Young signed a contract with label boss David Geffen in 1982 that would guarantee him a minimum $1million for each album, plus "total creative control over his output". Neil then promptly pulled a creative u-turn and dropped Trans on unsuspecting fans later that year- an album of primitive early 80's electronica, complete with synthesizers and electronic-treated vocals (via a vocoder, an instrument more used to appearing on Kraftwerk albums). The album was a critical & commercial failure and it left many long-time fans scratching their heads in disbelief. David Geffen was reportedly furious with this change in direction and demanded that Neil record a "rock & roll album" next, in an attempt to get back to his winning form in the 70's.

Everybody's Rockin' (1983): Except David Geffen, apparently

Now here's the golden part: Neil responded to this challenge by forming a rockabilly band named 'Neil and The Shocking Pinks" and recorded Everybody's Rockin' in 1983 - an album of 50's rock & rockabilly-styled original songs and cover versions, with snappy titles such as "Mary Lou's Got A New Pair Of Shoes" and "Kinda Fonda Wanda". When Geffen found out what was happening he was livid and canceled the sessions mid-way through before Neil could finish it. It was eventually released as it was, and the final album had a grand running time of 25 minutes - the shortest in Neil's career.
David Geffen proceeded to file a lawsuit against Neil Young worth $3.3 million on the grounds that the two albums he produced for the label contained "music uncharacteristic of his previous recordings", and that this new music was "uncommercial". So Neil filed a $21 million counter-suit citing breach of a contract that promised him total artistic freedom. The matter was eventually settled and Geffen apologized, but at the time all this was happening, a young band named REM were just about to sign with Geffen. They heard about the suit filed against Neil Young, decided amongst themselves that it was not cool, and then promptly signed with Warner Bros instead - going on to be one of the biggest band of the 1980's & 90's.
This stuff sounds made up, right? At the end of the day it was a moral victory to Neil Young, despite having two mildly embarrassing albums attached to his legacy.  Regardless, I encourage you all to check them both out - they are two of my all-time favourite "bad" albums - and to this day nothing gets a party started quite like "Mary Lou's Got A New Pair Of Shoes".

The Sex Pistols: Slightly provocative

Another example is 70's punk band the Sex Pistols, and their relationship with any record company that would dare go near them. After signing a contract with EMI in October 1976 they were ditched by the label less than 3 months later after the uproar the band caused after swearing on live TV. They eventually signed a new contract with label A&M outside Buckingham Palace on March 10th 1977, as a press stunt. The band and their entourage then went back to the A&M offices, got loud, drunk violent and verbally abusive to staff - as you do when you're a young up & coming punk band - forcing the label to dump them 6 days later. The band then moved on to Virgin Records, their third record label in just over 8 months.

The common thread across all the stories listed above is the fact that the "Record Company", as an entity, seems to stand in the way of all the good things that come with being an artist, or in a successful band. Record Companies are fraudulent, dinosaur entities that dictate terms to their clients and try to have a say in the type of music produced by their artists, in order to maximize profits. And to top it all off, they have the audacity to object when one of their top money-makers decides they want to get sh*t-faced and trash their offices and abuse their staff!

Kudos to you then, Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails, for showing that there is a better way - by getting creative and trying out different methods to get your music across to the largest audience possible. Sure, there will be some failures amongst the successes, but I think its kind of exciting to contemplate what will happen in the industry over the next 10 years, if the last 10 years are any measure.

So come on Guy Sebastian - take a stand against your record company and do something different: give us that free online download-only cover version of the Ramones' classic "Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue". You know we want it.

Sax Crimes

Sax & mullet: A classy combination

Summer in Perth is characterized by a glut of music festivals and international acts playing at venues all over the city - from footy ovals to wineries - and one such act that will be hitting our shores over the next few weeks is the great blues/rock slide-guitarist George Thorogood, and his backing band The Delaware Destroyers.
I was reminded of this fact by the announcer just before "Bad To The Bone" kicked off on the radio - the highlight of George's 30+ years in the biz - a mean Muddy Waters riff played on slide guitar, over-layed with an abundance of extremely boastful, and very cheesy, lyrics. All is well until approximately the half-way point of the song, when suddenly Hank "Hurricane" Carter steps up to take a solo. Normally "taking a solo" has positive connotations in the world of Rock & Roll, however this case is an exception, due to the fact that "Hurricane" Carter is the group's..... saxophone player.

Thorogood in his trademark snakeskin bandana

Before I continue I must clarify one thing. I have no issue with the saxophone per se. Being a jazz fan I highly admire the work of John Coltrane, Wayne Shorter and Cannonball Adderley (especially their work with the Miles Davis Quintet in the 50's & 60's), but when the instrument is used in rock & roll I find that (in general), the terms "taste" and "restraint" seldom apply to the group Sax-shredder.

The lead guitarist and drummer (and yes, even the occasional bass player) can look cool on stage tearing into a solo - sometimes with grace, sometimes with superfluous showmanship - but inexplicably this never seems to be the case for the sax player. Come time to take a solo, the sax player normally takes a few lumbering, Frankenstein-like steps forward to centre stage and proceeds to stink up the place with a series of baffling sound-farts which instantly undo all groove & good vibes that the band has worked so hard to lay down.

Spandau Ballet: Wanted for sax crimes

In visual terms, the sax player is also normally the weakest link in the band. There's nothing appealing about the sight of a saxophonist in mid-solo. More often than not there is limited movement, an excess of sweat, and throbbing temple veins working overtime, while the offenders cheeks swell to a size that would make Dizzy Gillespie run for cover. The occasional throwing back of the head, alternated with the forward low stoop seem to be the extent of the sax player's choreographed repertoire, which usually is enough movement to get the obligatory mullet swaying in the breeze. The dress-standard for the sax player also alternates between two extremes: the working-class jeans-&-tank-top look, and the colourfully-loud-&-tacky suit. The aesthetically-challenged nature of the sax player has no greater manifestation than in the form of one Scott Page, the sax player who toured the world with Pink Floyd in the late 1980's. Sadly, it appears that the internet is unable to yield a single image of "The Billy Ray Cyrus of Sax", but the attached YouTube snippet should provide some sense of the grotesqueness of this 80's saxophonist in "full-flight":

[WARNING: VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED. GRATUITOUS MULLET DISPLAY]

Zoot: Sax is his axe

No other musician on a rock & roll stage has the ability to polarize an audience the way the sax player does. While there are some notable exceptions (Dick Parry's work with 70's Pink Floyd, and Zoot from The Muppet Show being two examples), when it comes to playing , the old musicians maxim "Less is More" seems to be thrown out the proverbial window. On listening to a sax solo you get the sense that the aim of the player is to cram as many notes into their allocated solo time as possible, leaving no room for the other instruments to breathe, while giving all physical indications that they are passing a particularly painful kidney stone. This is unfortunate because many good songs over the years have been ruined (or unnecessarily dated) by the inclusion of a sax solo. All songwriters / bands / producers should be warned about this: think twice before mixing in that saxophone track. A poor choice is the aural equivalent of paint-balling the roof of the Sistene Chapel. Why graffiti the masterpiece? If you have a song that is melodically strong and has obvious commercial potential, then proceed with the saxophone overdub at your peril.

Baker Street: Tasteful sax in rock?

One guy who got it right was Gerry Rafferty (who sadly passed away last month), with his monster 1978 hit "Baker Street". It has possibly the most famous saxophone riff in pop music history and it's success led to a barrage of "sax crimes" in the 1980's. As good as the song was/is, spare a thought for how much more epic it could have been if the main sax riff was replaced by a Clapton-esque guitar? The Foo Fighters tried to give us a taste of "what might have been" with a cover version B-side in 1997, albeit with mixed results. Similarly, Mark Knopfler's early 80's instrumental "Going Home (Theme From Local Hero)" is another great example of a well used saxophone hook, but again, if Knopfler's celtic-influenced guitar work had been at the fore of the mix, in place of the sax, it would have elevated the song to a new level.

"Saxamaphone... saxamaphone..."

With all of the above said, I think it's now my civic duty to establish the world's first International Sax Crime Name & Shame Registry. To move forward as a society we must first recognize the mistakes of the past, learn from history, and do whatever is in our power to stop these atrocities ever happening again.

(Note: When compiling lists such as these, there are bound to be "serial re-offenders", hence the duplicated appearances of INXS & Tina Turner):

INTERNATIONAL SAX CRIME REGISTER

• Family Ties Opening Theme Song
• Anything by Kenny G
• George Michael - Careless Whisper
• Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark
• Hall & Oates - I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)
• Billy Joel - It's Still Rock & Roll To Me
• INXS  - What You Need
• Glenn Frey - The Heat Is On
• Dire Straits - Your Latest Trick
• Tina Turner - We Don't Need Another Hero
• Madness - It Must Be Love
• Spandau Ballet - True
• Donna Summer - She Works Hard For The Money
• Men At Work - Who Can It Be Now?
• Rick James - Super Freak
• Foreigner - Urgent
• David Bowie - Moden Love
• Roxy Music - Jealous Guy
• Billy Ocen - Carribean Queen
• Sade - Smooth Operator
• Icehouse - Electric Blue
• INXS - Never Tear Us Apart
• Beach Boys - Kokomo
• Tina Turner - Simply The Best

This list is far from complete. I urge anyone reading to post any offenders I have left out.

It's time for us all to do our bit. Think of us as the "Neighbourhood Watch of Bad Sax"....

William Campbell is Alive & Well ... (or: "Let It Be Vegetarian")

Macca sez: "Eat No Beef". Word.

I was minding my own business and casually scanning through YouTube the other night when a video popped up titled "Paul McCartney's Meat Free Foods Recipe Competition". Curiosity got the better of me so I checked it out.
In a nutshell, McCartney posted the video as an open invitation to all UK residents challenging them to come up with, and submit, the best meat-free recipe they can to him and they will be in the running to have their recipe featured in the "Linda McCartney Meat Free Foods" frozen meals range.
Really??
I know cooking shows like Masterchef, Hell's Kitchen and Iron Chef are all the rage now, on the verge of over-exposure even, but seriously - this is a former Beatle and one of the most successful songwriters/entertainers of the 20th century. Does he really need to be doing this? This doesn't sound like the same Paul McCartney we know, does it?....

The Beatles "Butcher Cover" - Never released

And then I suddenly remembered: it doesn't make sense because Paul McCartney died way back in 1966 and was replaced by an imposter. The man we see on the YouTube video is actually William Campbell who, unlike McCartney, is alive & well and also a committed vegetarian. I mean, the real McCartney couldn't be a vegetarian could he? He was the guy who appeared on the infamous Beatles "Butcher Cover" surrounded by dismembered dolls and raw red meat!! Are we expected to believe that this is the same guy??

If all this sounds far-fetched - fear not. It sounds made up, but believe me it's true. It must be true, because it's on the Internet! So after scanning all the evidence, I thought I'd bring you all up to speed on the story and the clues that have been provided that prove once and for all that Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by an imposter named William Campbell. Things get a a little macabre along the way, but stick with it. Let's begin the story....

"Paul Is Dead" - Coincidence or Cover-Up?

On October 12th 1969 a Detroit radio DJ named Russell Gibb announced on-air that Paul McCartney was dead, and that many clues signifying his death a few years earlier were littered across Beatles album covers and song lyrics.  The story of Paul’s alleged death had begun to circulate around American universities throughout September 1969, and when the news reached Gibb he was impressed enough to announce the news on his radio show.

The basic story went as follows: that Paul McCartney was involved in a fatal car accident at 5am on Wednesday, November 9th, 1966, following an all-night Beatles recording session. It was alleged that Paul left hastily after an argument with the other Beatles and was speeding at the time he passed through an intersection and collided with another vehicle. The result was a horrific crash in which Paul was burned and disfigured beyond recognition.
When the rest of the Beatles’ inner circle were made aware of the stunning news that the male occupant of the car was Paul, severe shock turned to panic as they endeavoured to keep the news from leaking out to the media. Understanding the impact that such traumatic news would have on the legion of Beatles fans around the globe, a cover-up was devised, involving Paul being replaced by a lookalike.

William Campbell, Beatles White Album, 1968

A “Paul McCartney Look-Alike” Contest was scheduled in early 1967 - enter William Campbell, the winner who was offered a significant amount of money to become “the new Paul”. It was to be made easier for Campbell to succeed in the cover-up by the announcement from the Beatles in 1967 that they would no longer tour, preferring instead to develop their sound in the studio. The only discernible difference between Campbell and McCartney was a small scar on Campbell’s upper lip – which the real Paul didn’t have. William Campbell’s photo appeared in the poster that accompanied The Beatles (The "White Album") in 1968.
With Campbell on board, the Beatles carried on together, but decided to release a number of clues on their album covers and within song lyrics that would reveal the fate of the real Paul.

The first major clues were included on the Sgt Pepper album, being the first album produced by the Beatles following the death of Paul, and are as follows:

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, 1967

• The cover is symbolic of a funeral held for the “Beatles”, showing the name of the band being spelled out in flowers over the grave. The passing of the Beatles was to be replaced with a new identity – “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”

• A flower arrangement in the shape of a bass guitar is laid out in the foreground. When looking at this arrangement closely, it seems to spell out “PAUL?”, as if questioning whether McCartney still exists

• A raised hand appears above Paul’s head, which is said to be an Indian sign of death 

· Wax replicas of the young Beatles appear to the left of the group – with Paul consoling Ringo as he mourns over the grave site

· When a mirror is held horizontally across the centre of the words “Lonely Hearts” on the kick drum, a message appears, which reads:

“1 ONE IX HE ^ DIE”

The “1 One” can be interpreted as “11”, whilst “1X” may be interpreted as the roman numeral “9” - thus giving us the date of the fatal accident – 11/9, or November 9 (following the American system of month /date /year when referring to dates).The next letters clearly spell out “HE DIE”, with an arrow pointing directly up at Paul.

· On the back cover of the album, Paul is the only “Beatle” with his back turned on the camera, as if he no longer fit in with the rest of the group. The album’s song lyrics were superimposed on the back cover, and the words “WITHOUT YOU” appear to the right of Paul’s head

• The lyrics to “A Day In The Life” detail the aftermath of the accident in November 1966 that killed Paul: 

“…He blew his mind out in a car … he didn’t notice that the lights had changed …. A crowd of people stood and stared …. They’d seen his face before….”.

This was rumoured to be the first song that John Lennon wrote following Paul’s death.

More clues followed on The Beatles (White Album) in 1968:

• On the inside cover, the large portrait of "Paul" clearly shows a scar on his lip – which the real Paul didn’t have – supposed proof that the photo was of Paul’s replacement, William Campbell

• At the very end of Lennon’s track “I’m So Tired” some gibberish is spoken - before the start of “Blackbird”. When played backwards, the phrase “Paul is a dead man – miss him, miss him, miss him” can be heard

• During the track “Revolution 9” the phrase “Number 9, Number 9” is repeated over and over. When played backwards, you can hear phrase “Turn me on dead man, turn me on dead man”

• Amidst the cacophony of sound that is “Revolution 9”, a violent car crash can be heard, followed by the words “get me out! get me out!”, which is a vivid description of the accident that claimed Paul

Abbey Road, 1969

Finally, some of the most revealing clues surfaced on the Beatles Abbey Road album in 1969:

• The cover of Abbey Road depicts a funeral procession, with John as the minister, Ringo as the undertaker, Paul as the deceased, and George as the gravedigger

• Paul is barefoot and has his eyes closed, representing a corpse, and is also out of step with the other three, who are leading with the left foot

• Paul has a cigarette in his right hand, although he is a natural left-hander

• The car on the road in the distant background is heading directly for Paul

• A black morgue wagon is parked on the right side of the road

• The VW parked on the left has a license plate that says “28IF” (meaning that Paul would have been 28-years old - or in his 28th year of life - IF he had lived)

So there you have it. Pretty convincing stuff. And it actually makes a lot of sense now, looking back, knowing that it was William Campbell, not McCartney, that was responsible for that sappy stuff that Wings put out in the 1970's. He continued to release sub-standard material in the 1980's, toured the world numerous times, and was eventually knighted by Queen Elizabeth II as "Sir Paul McCartney" in the late 90's. Not bad for a stand-in...

Australia Day: "Meatheads Unite!"

Attention fellow Australians....

After a long wait, the 26th of January is nearly upon us again - which means 2 things: a public holiday, and a duty for us to be LOUD & PROUD about the greatest nation on earth: Aussie!!!

Time to dig out your singlets, don your very best Aussie thongs and gather with your mates to celebrate in true Aussie style. Make sure you're well stocked with VB and that the first tinny is cracked well before 10am - after all, there's only so many hours of celebrating to cram into the day, right?

Aussie thongs: Classy

If you need to drive anywhere on Australia Day, there's some rules you need to follow. Firstly, it is mandatory for you to grind out a big burnout as you pull out of your driveway. If you're a perfectionist like me, you'll want to  check which way the wind is blowing first and position the car accordingly to maximize the amount of tyre smoke that drifts over your neighbour's property. Don't worry about any repercussions - this is Australia Day and you're an Australian. This is your right!
Secondly, if you already have 4 of those cheap Aussie flags perched on top of each passenger window, challenge yourself to be "more Australian" and try to get a big flag on there somewhere. Be creative: drape it over the bonnet or across the back window, or even hang it off the tow-ball so it can skim along the road in your car's wake. Again, don't worry about minor concerns such as your personal safety or the safety of fellow road users - the important thing is to show the world where you're from. And finally, it's un-Australian for your windows to be up on this special "Day of Days": all 4 windows need to be down so that pedestrians and other road users can hear "Chisel's Greatest Hits" blasting out across the urban landscape. Ignore the funny looks from these people - this day is about YOU. Don't let them get you down. If you feel their disapproving glances are crossing the line just hurl abuse at them from your moving car. It's your birthright!

The Southern Cross Tattoo: Unique

After an afternoon of heavy drinking and loud Aussie music, make your way down to the Perth foreshore as belligerently as possible. If no bins are provided for your convenience along the way, simply toss your empties into a nearby garden. Make sure you and your mates are still wearing your singlets, as you will need to show off your new Southern Cross tattoos. These tattoos serve a dual purpose: firstly they let everyone know that you are acutely aware of one of the major constellations in the Milky Way, and secondly if you get separated from your group in the swarming masses you can just look for the group of guys with the Southern Cross tattoos and all will be sweet.  Easy, aye?
One other important point to remember: do NOT wear deodorant. This point cannot be stressed too severely, people. It is essential that you leave that cloud of BO in your wake as you move through the crowds on the foreshore. If your traveling in packs and at least one of you is wearing deodorant, then your potency is diminished. Like a feline that marks it territory, its important that you let everyone know where you've been.

Available where all good crap is sold

Australia Day is also a day of "accessorizing".  Make sure you stock up at your local Red Dot with all the accessories that will mark you out as a true Australian. I'm talking about the Aussie Green & Gold Mohawk, the Aussie Flag tote bag, and a fistful of Aussie Flag hand wavers. Ignore the fact they are all made in Chinese sweatshops. The Chinese know how awesome we are, and this is their way of paying their respects to us on our special day.
There is also one item that has become a bit of a perennial favourite: the Australian Flag Cape. Worn by only the "most Australian" amongst us, the Aussie Flag cape, if used properly, should be beer-soaked and smelling like your singlet by the end of the day. Never mind the fact that the Aussie flag is a sacred symbol to many other citizens, and the fact that our forefathers fought for our freedoms under this symbol - these are merely petty truths standing in the way of you having a great time. So continue clowning along and desecrating the National symbol with your mates on your special day - remember its a free country!

Unfortunately whilst at the Perth Skyshow there are a few obstacles that often crop up that threaten to dampen your Australia Day experience. Drinking zones are there to be ignored. Get as tanked as possible and then move away from said zones to mingle with other revelers. There's nothing worse than staggering around trying to avoid families on picnic blankets enjoying the evening in each other's company. Worse still is when some older guy has the audacity to ask you to watch your language around his children. It's best to ignore these people, however if they are persistent, there's nothing more Australian than starting a fight. But be sure to get your mates first so they can help kick the guy into unconsciousness while he's on the ground.

When the fireworks finally kick off, crank your radios to 11 and sing along to the veritable barrage of back-to-back classics: The Oils' "Beds Are Burning",  Icehouse's "Great Southern Land", Yothu Yindi's "Treaty", Men at Work's "Down Under" and even a bit of "Imagine", as you and your mates hold your mobile phones aloft to Kings Park, lost in the ecstasy of the moment.

After a short half hour it all suddenly ends - time to finish the VB's and commence the long stagger home. Tomorrow it's back to normal. The "most Australian" amongst us will leave those plastic flags on our cars for an extra few weeks to help keep the dream alive - the rest of us will just quietly cross off the days on our calendars until we can do it all again on 26th January, 2012.

Who's badder than James Brown?

"Who's Bad?" Graffiti portrait of JB in Berlin

I was listening to the radio in the car the other day,  enjoying a sunny Saturday afternoon and only half alert to the steady stream of easy-listening classics filtering through the speakers, when my ears were suddenly arrested by a familiar and very welcome sound.
"Whoah!".
It was James Brown's signature yell that kicked off his 1965 hit "I Got You (I Feel Good)", a song that packs more power, soul and feeling into it's two-minute-and-forty-seven second duration than the entire decade of the 1980's could muster.
I listened and grooved along, and then it was over - back again to the standard "middle of the road" playlist that so many radio stations are content to pump out ad nauseam. It was like an alien transmission had hijacked the airwaves for 3 minutes to shake the listener back into consciousness - and get some feet tapping at the same time....

They don't make characters like James Brown anymore. Michael Jackson tried to convince us he was "Bad" - but James Brown was "Bad-Ass".

The Man and The Cape

He was the man responsible for some of the finest R&B, soul & funk music of the 20th century and is remembered for his high-energy live shows and his fondness for crushed blue velvet suits. There's not many performers who can wear a cape on stage without damaging their street cred (I'm looking at you, Vegas-era Elvis), but James Brown did it with style and flair over a career lasting more than five decades.
 He was known by many names over the years, from "The Godfather of Soul", "The King of Funk" and "Mr. Dynamite", to hipper titles such as "Soul Brother Number One" and, my personal favourite, "The Hardest Working Man In Show Business". He rose to fame in the late 50's and early 60's - back when it was acceptable to release an album called It's A Man's Man's Man's World without being stoned in the street by the feminist movement - and had his own personal MC on stage at every concert who introduced him with a barrage of superlatives that wouldn't be out of place in the World Wrestling Federation. His 1963 album, Live At The Apollo is considered by many to be one of the greatest live albums of all time. 

In The Jungle Groove (Compilation, 1986)

In the late 60's he became more vocal in his support of the civil rights movement and his songs became more politically charged, with titles such as "America Is My Home" "Get Up, Get Into It, Get Involved" and "Say it Loud - I'm Black And I'm Proud", the last of which became the unofficial party anthem of the Black Panthers.
His most funkiest work came in the early to mid-1970's, and the music he produced during this period would have a huge influence on the hip-hop movement 20 years later.
He is regarded as one of the most sampled artists in hip-hop, with "Funky Drummer" providing possibly the single most sampled drum break in music history. This track, and other works recorded between 1969 and 1972 were compiled on In The Jungle Groove (1986), which is the best place to start for anyone interested in "getting their funk on".

As Reverend Cleophus James, in The Blues Brothers (1980)

The man could also dance. He produced moves onstage which would have made Fred Astaire blush (Note: I've already made one Michael Jackson reference so far - besides, you can only blush if you have blood flow in your face, right?), and his cameo as the jiving Reverend Cleophus James is one of the highlights of The Blues Brothers movie in 1980. He had another notable cameo in an episode of The Simpsons, performing "I Got You (I Feel Good)" at the Springfield "Do As You Feel" festival, showcasing all his classic signature moves. This is a man who does the splits on stage, dammit - could any man be more committed to his art than by risking his own groin for entertainment value !?! Come on Bono, let's see you top that you preachy prat!

The other thing about "Soul Brother Number One" that should not be overlooked is the fact that he spent 6 of his 73 years on this earth behind bars. Over the years he gained a rap sheet that would have made a Gangsta rapper green with envy - with offences including theft, possession of unlicensed weapons, drug-related charges and assault, as well as numerous arrests for alleged domestic violence. No huge surprises, really, for a guy that once sang the line "I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy!!"

The Brown mug shot, 2004

James Brown continued performing well into his 70's despite periods of ill-health, and eventually died at the age of 73, in 2006. And in typical James Brown style, he didn't die on just any day of the year - he went out in the early hours of Christmas Day. What a Bad-ass!!

So as I flip through the FM stations in the car looking for further inspiration, I start thinking about ways I can be as Bad-ass as James Brown, and immediately decide on my new nom de plume: "The Hardest Working Man in Cyberspace".